The Void of Loss Is a Time Bandit
Two years have passed since I witnessed my Dad’s last rattling breath escape his 82 year old body. For almost a year after he crossed to the other side, his last moment of life haunted me as I closed my eyes to sleep. Emotional recovery from the loss of a parent happened in the requisite amount of time, in no unusual way. As time passed, bad memories faded, and good ones rose up into view. Time helps us forget, and remember. Time bears productive fruit, relaxes our burdens and sometimes hesitates long enough to bring clarity to the forefront.
Believing in Yourself
It was the beginning of a weekday like any other in the mid 1980’s. Dad had left for work and Mom was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast. The day’s college classes awaited my arrival as the early morning time marched forward at a consistent pace. Standing in front of the dresser mirror in my bedroom, the ritual of applying makeup and fixing my hair was performed with mechanical thoughtlessness. As my eyes locked with the reflection staring back at me, time slowed down.
In an instant, the young woman in the mirror compelled me to see the truth and understand the certainty of what must be done. Time hesitated and the fog of complacency lifted. I had to break up with my boyfriend and it had to be done that day. The decision was not as instantaneous as it seemed, of course. Sudden revelations are rarely without a certain amount of expectation. Flapping red flags had been ignored for some time now.
Irrefutable proof was not in my possession, but the firm finger of circumstantial evidence pointed to the probability that he was cheating on me and his pledge to AA. Two giant boulders blocking the rocky path ahead, the latter somehow more daunting than the former. It was not time that woke me from the slumber of accepting the status quo. Believing that I deserved better and realizing I could make that desire a reality are the heroes of my fate.
Time is merely a vessel pretending to have power over life. A chameleon erroneously credited for days dragging, years racing, wounds healing and youth stolen. Time is a void most visible during periods of loss when truth cannot be ignored. The emptiness in your heart, the fluttering in your stomach, the panic that sets in when you ask yourself, “What do I do now?”
For years I equated loss solely with heartbreak, not understanding the psychological culprit causing the pain of sadness. Loss is a void in time. The choice to fill the void and escape sadness belongs to you, not the ticking of a clock.
An Unexpected Loss
The trickery perpetrated by time revealed its true nature to me in the days following the CPA exam. The emptiness, the fluttering and the panic were inexplicably mounting inside me. Why was this happening? I hadn’t lost a loved one. No one was breaking up with me. Nothing bad was hurtling in my direction. My gaze was drawn to the accounting books on the table. These study materials had been my constant companion, the center of my life, for months and now it was over. With a certain cavalier arrogance, the books were saying, “It’s not you, it’s me. Our relationship has run its course and we’re moving on without you.”
What do I do now? The familiar daily routine of work, household chores and studying had derailed. Sadness and a feeling of desperation took center stage as I searched ahead and behind for a new, or perhaps an old, fulcrum to bring balance back to my purpose in life. I was trapped in a void in the infinite existence of time. Lost in an interval when life is on pause while time continues to move forward.
For those unfortunate souls unable to move on and open new doors, loss can be an inescapable black hole. For me, it’s a temporary dark cloud challenging me to find an alternate means to light the path. Loss is a void and voids can be filled. Look at the opportunities surrounding you, reach out to those who share in your loss, help a stranger or a friend. Find your direction.
The power of healing doesn’t belong to time. Overcoming loss is up to you. Understand, accept and discover or time will move on without you.
Originally published at Medium.com on 7-22-2019.
