Lost and Found Beyond Tears
My soul aches for freedom as invisible chains slowly tighten, binding me to my fate. Tears no longer form; the well is dry. Circumstances have created an imbalance. Obligations are heavier than dreams. I can feel my despair building deep inside my chest, rising up and collecting into a mass that threatens to choke out everything that once defined me.
The smoldering black smoke of once brightly shining dreams rise from the burned-out ash at my feet. The swirling reminders of my failures enter my body with each breath and fill my lungs with a suffocating anguish. Everyone and no one are sorry. The sacrifices I make allow others to turn away and live life freely.
Empathy dictates my path and uses me up. The choice is made by my own hand, my conscience knows the difference between right and wrong. The cost of meeting the needs of others is depleting me. Life floats out of reach into space as I grow weary of my existence. To survive in my world, I fear I must die and be resurrected as someone I don’t wish to be. Survival may depend on the assimilation of my core into society’s collective norm.
I am beaten down and defeated by the world. Fight and determination are waning exponentially as people need more, and more, and more; my conscience has chosen my place of servitude. I don’t know how to balance dreams and obligations and I am lost beyond my tears. In between the waves drowning my soul, I gasp for air and reach for my life preserver.
Are my meager efforts to achieve my goals extending the life or the death of my dreams? Is the act of trying synonymous with persistence or foolishness?
Alas, this too shall pass, and anguish will give way to acceptance. The clouds will drift by with the passage of time and sunshine will be the reward for patience. My soul calms as a sense of purpose rises from the ashes. I know the difference between right and wrong … and that’s a good thing.
Though others may benefit from my actions, the choice remains mine. My life is how I make it. Obligations are heavier than dreams. The weight of responsibility shines a light on character and ignites emotions. Fulfilling obligations lifts that heavy weight and fills the heart with the knowledge that sacrifice is worthy. Contentment rises from promises honored.
Time and circumstance affect, but do not decide, the history of me. Reflections of my past are for me to create. Darkness reveals the brightest of lights. Aspirations provide direction, but empathy is the muse found beyond my tears.
Originally published at Medium.com on 4-30-2019.
