Relationship Success May Not Lead to Marriage
“Before you can become part of our child mentoring program, you will need to see a counselor.”
Her statement hit me like a hard slap in the face knocking my ego out of the chair and onto the floor. The young woman sitting behind the desk of authority wielded her sharp words with surprising ease. My mind was baffled by the blow. I had entered the interview with the confidence of a woman proud of her accomplishments and comfortable in her own skin. I had truly believed that I could be a positive influence on a young mind. What had I done wrong?
Regaining my composure from its fall to the floor, I could only reply with a single word. “Why?”
“You have not had a relationship with a man that has ended successfully. I think you could benefit from some counseling.”
By the end of the twenty-minute drive home, my state of confusion mutated through a haze of disbelief until defensiveness could finally get a grip on the situation. What the hell does marital status have to do with volunteering for a mentoring program? Staring at the naked ring finger on my left hand, not even a tan line existed to remind me of a temporary marital achievement. Never had my eyes fallen upon a kneeling suitor offering a ring of commitment.
My analytical mind automatically began sorting my life into pros and cons. The pros column was a strong contender. High school valedictorian, college graduate, passed the CPA exam and was on the way up in the ranks of an accounting career. I owned my own house, mowed my own yard, obediently served my cat, had a handful of good friends and an excellent relationship with my parents.
I was squarely in the middle of one of life’s sunshine and happiness moments. My current state of contentment left the cons column almost void of negativity. According to the mentoring gatekeeper, being single was a con, and I was most definitely single. No noise at all on the prospective husband radar. Dead silence.
I find a peaceful clarity in silence. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Marrying solely because I was on the downhill slide to thirty is not my definition of success. Liking the person staring back at you in the mirror every morning, that is the pinnacle of success.
Dating is sort of like a try before you buy process. If you know he’s not the right fit, then breaking up means the dating process is working properly, and might I add, successfully. Some relationships are not meant to be. It’s nice if both parties see the ill-fitting image in the mirror. Mutual break ups do happen once in a while. I had one once.
Some people are the universal blood donors of the relationship world. Compatible with many. Quickly and easily matched with another. My relationship blood type is rare. Finding a compatibility match is not so simple. My deliberate nature prefers a bullseye to okay, that’s close enough.
The agony of being hurt or hurting another is a more typical relationship scenario. Painful as those times were, I say with immense gratitude to those who broke my heart, “Thank you for seeing what I couldn’t see and having the courage to end the relationship before I developed a tan line on this pristinely naked ring finger on my left hand.”
Yeah, I think I could have been an excellent role model for a young girl. Life is about choices and having the self-worth to think independently of the path dictated by that which society deems the norm. Don’t get me wrong. Having another human being legally obligated to reside with you is fulfilling. I love sharing life with my husband.
Yes, I did eventually find a compatible partner. And, I never did heed that young woman’s advice and go see a counselor. My head was in a good place. Why would I want to mess with that? Turns out all those allegedly failed relationships were leading me to my perfect match. The flip side of failure is the hand of fate presenting you with a different opportunity.
Early on in the interview process that day so long ago, the young woman behind the desk of authority had proudly told me she was engaged to be married. I applauded her good fortune with sincere congratulations. I wonder sometimes if her marriage turned out to be the successful relationship she deemed the significant measure of a sound mind or the pale mark of failure tattooed on an empty ring finger.
Originally published at Medium.com on 11-3-2019.
