A First Time for Everything
October 2023 Issue
Inspirations for Better Living
The immediate silence of inevitability washes through the room, radiating a wave of natural tranquility with an undertow of unnatural eeriness. The violent shifting below my feet comes to an abrupt stop in an unexpected moment of tearless solitude. I exhale and gaze at Dad, who now lies silent in the bedroom of his home. Dad is sharing the peaceful relief of the end of his existence with his little girl. For an unrecognizable amount of time, he and I are the only ones who know it is over. Overcome by the futility of trying to comfort the stranger occupying her husband’s body, Mom had retreated to the living room to gather her strength. I know I must strike the final blow to Mom’s breaking heart, but my lips cannot let go of the words.
“I’m sorry, hon. I just needed to leave the room for a bit.” Sitting in her favorite dark blue recliner, she apologizes for her absence as she dries tears from her face in preparation to return to his side.
“Sometimes you need a minute. I understand.” I hesitate for a moment before I continue. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think he’s gone.” The moment her panic-stricken eyes comprehend the meaning of my words sears into my memory. The agony of her cry lingers in my ears as she springs from the chair and races to Dad’s side. This marks the beginning of the first time she had ever lived alone.
In the next hours, the rooms of the apartment filled with grief, strangers, numbness, and the standard operating procedures of death. A year and a half later, Mom and I sat at the dining room table in this same senior living apartment as we worked out a payment plan for her recent hospital stay and related follow-up doctor appointments. The successful installation of a pacemaker indicates her congestive heart failure has taken another step up the hopefully gentle ascension to her own potential inevitability. The stability of Mom’s condition allows my visits to be less frequent and more about companionship than chores. Determined to learn how to function in life as a widow, she does her best to take care of her day-to-day life with little need for my guidance, but I see struggles taking a toll on her psyche.
Published in the October edition of Inspirations for Better Living.
