Feeling a Little Off Today
I’m feeling a little off today. Is it because of being up all night with a persistent migraine? Medicine at 11:30 p.m., again at 1:00 a.m., vomiting at 3:00 a.m. (sorry for the TMI), and then driving in the rain to the emergency room at 4:00 a.m. But it isn’t just about feeling foggy headed and tired. It’s deeper than that.
Back home from the ER, I’m thinking about the outrageous amount of money we are going to pay for the privilege of now being pain free. The cost of medical care is out of control. I should feel healed, but instead I feel robbed. What are you going to do? When you need help, you need help. Not pleasant thoughts as I wait for the automated call from the pharmacy.
The latest trend for my migraines is onset while sleeping. This means I need to have injections on hand to take down the episodes that the pills can’t handle. Expensive. But cheaper than a trip to the ER. There are always trade offs in life. Even if neither option is stellar, you have to pick one and hope for the best.
I’m driving to the pharmacy when I realize I accidentally left my cell phone at home. That’s when I started crying. Followed by thinking, “This is a really weird thing to cry about.” But I wasn’t really crying about not having an electronic communication device within two feet of me for more than five minutes. (These days there probably are people who would cry about such a quandary.)
Nor was I crying about the lack of sleep or the gut-wrenching pain that I had endured. That’s nothing new for a lifelong migraine sufferer. No, the tears were about a sudden overwhelming feeling of being very alone, disconnected in ways beyond the cellular phone network. My mind was instantly convinced that the cars next to me were full of people who knew where they were going. They had a purpose, family, friends. They had fulfilling contributions to make to society. They were reaching personal and professional pinnacles of achievement and garnering rewards of appreciation, fame, fortune, social status, respect and happiness.
Me, well, I’m a little off.
I tend to fall a bit short of the pinnacle. Most of my life has been in the background, blending in with mediocrity. I’m one of the extras to fill the stage around the stars of the show. I’m not sure I’m doing this life thing right. Maybe I’m not confident enough, talented enough, fun enough, nice enough … I don’t know.
I’m just feeling a little off today.
Even the touchscreen on my laptop is having trouble recognizing that I exist today. Maybe it’s time for a re-boot. At least Homer, my orange tabby, knows that I exist. Homer doesn’t understand my sadness, but he’s here by my side, devoted as always and purring blissfully.
I don’t really understand my sadness either. Is this what depression feels like? How horrible it must be to feel this way day in and day out. My heart goes out to those living in a constant state of depression. And don’t you dare throw that annoyingly overused phrase of the year at me, “First world problems, am I right?” I get it, but I don’t like it.
I understand that the problems of our ancestors were hard, but those problems were also much different than ours. I don’t believe our problems are any less relevant to our time than theirs were to their time. The problems, the circumstances, the known information and scientific knowledge, the way of life … all of it was so much different in centuries past that a direct comparison is pointless.
Minimizing the anguish of today by trivializing it in a comparison to the past is not helpful to problem resolution right here and now … but I digress. I know, I know. My problems are microscopic compared to those of so many others. Most days I know this and am thankful for the life with which I have been blessed.
Today, I’m just a little off.
Perhaps a moratorium on thinking should be implemented until I’m a little less off. According to Orphan Annie and the local meteorologist, “The sun will come out tomorrow.” Fingers crossed!
Originally published at Medium.com on 11-17-2018.
